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Thoughts From My Mom About College

 

All parents have something to say about their children’s college search. Although most remarks are well intentioned, not all of them end up being helpful. I finished my college process last month after being admitted early decision to Kenyon College, and now I can look back on my mother’s advice with amusement rather than disdain. My mom might not be the best person to go to for help in the college process, but she might be one of the funniest.

1. “Remember: A school with many pre-med students is a school with many potential husbands.”

2. “Isn’t that college in California? I thought winter was your favorite season for fashion; you’ll die on the West Coast.”

3. On going to college in my hometown, NYC: “Going to college close to home means that you’re going to ask me for money 24/7.”

4. After telling my mom that I wanted to tour some colleges that are a 5+ hour drive from NYC: “Honey, just do an online tour; it’s basically the same thing.”

5. After a college info session: “Some kids ask the stupidest questions. Who would even want to bring a horse to college? Does that girl assume that every dorm comes with a stable? Next time, I’m waiting outside. You don’t understand how difficult it was to control my laughter just now.”

6. Before a college tour: “It’s important to have an open mind. I mean, obviously you shouldn’t have an open mind if you’re touring a community college, but that’s besides the point.”

7. During a college tour: “Our guide isn’t even talking about the school. I don’t want to hear about how she met her boyfriend. Does she actually think she’s interesting?”

8. Also during a college tour: “OMG, why is that family taking so many pictures? The last thing I want is to end up in their family album.”

9. After a college tour: “It’s not that I didn’t like the school. I just thought it felt like a mental hospital, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t apply.”

10. Before getting on a northern-bound bus by myself for a college visit: “Be careful whom you sit next to! Anyone could be a cannibal!”

11. “What are you going to write your essays about? Being a hipster?”

12. “You should wear a blazer to your next interview. Actually, anything would be better than the gypsy clothes you usually wear.”

13. Before I left for an alumni interview: “Wait! Take this box of Altoids so you don’t have stank breath. You’re welcome.”

14. An hour before I expected to get my snail mail decision from Kenyon: “I ran into the mailman just now, and he told me there’s a large white envelope for you from some address in Ohio. If it ends up just being a really thick brochure or something, that would really suck.”

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